Post by Bizz on Feb 10, 2018 7:10:51 GMT -5
Got inspired to make a conculture based off of terrible Chinglish translations. This topic will contain the writings that are all about a man named Dan who investigates the Chinglish World (may have different name to help emphasize the stand-alone nature.) and describes his experiences. All writings will be in one post. This was originally going to be on Wattpad but I prefer the formatting of Nethood and the fact that the text can be freely copied by anyone.
Explosive Dog
Idolization Of Grass
After being here for quite a while, I have realized that the people around seem to praise grass as one of the greatest beings ever to exist. I don't know much about their religion but if I were to hazard a guess, I would bet that their god is grass itself. Let me show you what I mean:
Constantly you will see many signs around their prized parks and gardens really stressing and even using appeal to emotion to tell you not to step on the grass.
Grass isn't just a beautiful thing to these folk, they might as well be considered people with lives.
And apparently, grass can also sleep and dream too.
And even smile? I'm not really seeing it.
You know, this speaking for the grass vaguely reminds me of the Lorax.
Anyway, I guess I can get behind this weird grass idolization, but you know what I am still questioning about? Who are the people that put the signs there in the first place? Don't they have to step on the grass or even clear out some grass to the put the stalks of the sign there? Do they just make sure to put a sign where they expect grass to be?
I also wonder what is the punishment for stepping on the grass. Knowing how backwards this place is, I can only imagine something very heinous would happen so I avoid stepping on it at all costs. I hate to hope this but I sort of want to see someone accidentally or defiantly step on the grass so I can see what happens. Although, I if did see it, I would most likely regret my curiosity getting the best of me.
Dick Cleaning Service
Explosive Dog
So I walking near some police stations when something caught my eye. I was wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me but I should have known better considering the place I was in. Curious, I had to walk back to check my suspicions. And there is was, the explosive dog.
I went up to the officer and asked him what is an explosive dog? What purpose does an explosive dog serve? And casually, the officer replied explaining that the dog is meant for exploding and killing or punishing any one who deserves it, mainly criminals that violate laws and try to run away avoiding their demise. The dog is meant to chase them down as the people believe dogs run very fast and thus will successfully catch the prisoner and explode on them.
I was in utter horror. Who could ever thinking of stuffing an explosive inside a dog and sending a dog to unknowingly kamikaze itself just to punish criminals? It's seems so needless, unethical, and inefficient. And not to mention dangerous too. From what I understand, the bomb supposedly activates via body heat. This makes it very dangerous to even be around the police station knowing that there are bombs that could go off anytime around there. Truly an unnerving thought.
I went up to the officer and asked him what is an explosive dog? What purpose does an explosive dog serve? And casually, the officer replied explaining that the dog is meant for exploding and killing or punishing any one who deserves it, mainly criminals that violate laws and try to run away avoiding their demise. The dog is meant to chase them down as the people believe dogs run very fast and thus will successfully catch the prisoner and explode on them.
I was in utter horror. Who could ever thinking of stuffing an explosive inside a dog and sending a dog to unknowingly kamikaze itself just to punish criminals? It's seems so needless, unethical, and inefficient. And not to mention dangerous too. From what I understand, the bomb supposedly activates via body heat. This makes it very dangerous to even be around the police station knowing that there are bombs that could go off anytime around there. Truly an unnerving thought.
Idolization Of Grass
After being here for quite a while, I have realized that the people around seem to praise grass as one of the greatest beings ever to exist. I don't know much about their religion but if I were to hazard a guess, I would bet that their god is grass itself. Let me show you what I mean:
Constantly you will see many signs around their prized parks and gardens really stressing and even using appeal to emotion to tell you not to step on the grass.
Grass isn't just a beautiful thing to these folk, they might as well be considered people with lives.
And apparently, grass can also sleep and dream too.
And even smile? I'm not really seeing it.
You know, this speaking for the grass vaguely reminds me of the Lorax.
Anyway, I guess I can get behind this weird grass idolization, but you know what I am still questioning about? Who are the people that put the signs there in the first place? Don't they have to step on the grass or even clear out some grass to the put the stalks of the sign there? Do they just make sure to put a sign where they expect grass to be?
I also wonder what is the punishment for stepping on the grass. Knowing how backwards this place is, I can only imagine something very heinous would happen so I avoid stepping on it at all costs. I hate to hope this but I sort of want to see someone accidentally or defiantly step on the grass so I can see what happens. Although, I if did see it, I would most likely regret my curiosity getting the best of me.
Dick Cleaning Service
So, I was walking through a residential neighborhood when I came across this van:
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I could believe my eyes. Dick cleaning services? Conveniently, as I got there, some men in white uniform left the house they were working in and went towards the car. I had to stop and ask them but when I wanted to talk to them, they said that they had to time to chat and needed to get to the next house. They told me to call them if I wanted my dick clean and pointed to the phone number on their car. After that, they drove off with me still being dazed. I asked myself, do people really call people over to get their dick cleaned? Why would one do this? Is one simply too arsed to clean their own dick?
So I eventually mustered the courage to call them. After the expected how may I help you line, I began my questioning. "Hey, this may sound a bit dumb, but does your business actually specialize in cleaning dicks?". And then the answered and yes and went on about all the kinds of dick they clean which is basically nearly any kind and then went into types of dick cleaning. There were ones that are wet/water based, dry/hard scratching/rubbing based, then there was a burn/fire based one where they burn it clean, a sexual one with ladies, a blowjob dick clean where they use dick sucking and saliva to clean your dick, one where they use heavy chemicals, one where lemon juice is used, and even an extreme radiation sterilization method they requires you to actually go to the place physically. They also make their own special brand name dick cleaning juice that you can buy that is said to heal and make your dick stronger when used.
I was genuinely surprised at the ridiculous variations of dick cleaning specialization and how open people are about dick cleaning. At this rate the words dick and cleaning have lost all meaning, almost as if my mind has sunk and assimilated with the reality that these people live in. A reality where no one bats an eye when you can say you brought some guys over to your house to clean your dick.
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT5EIipUnu_U-6nB5ATnMl5gv45lTzIx5_sq3fAnZCRNQ_UBQ
I could believe my eyes. Dick cleaning services? Conveniently, as I got there, some men in white uniform left the house they were working in and went towards the car. I had to stop and ask them but when I wanted to talk to them, they said that they had to time to chat and needed to get to the next house. They told me to call them if I wanted my dick clean and pointed to the phone number on their car. After that, they drove off with me still being dazed. I asked myself, do people really call people over to get their dick cleaned? Why would one do this? Is one simply too arsed to clean their own dick?
So I eventually mustered the courage to call them. After the expected how may I help you line, I began my questioning. "Hey, this may sound a bit dumb, but does your business actually specialize in cleaning dicks?". And then the answered and yes and went on about all the kinds of dick they clean which is basically nearly any kind and then went into types of dick cleaning. There were ones that are wet/water based, dry/hard scratching/rubbing based, then there was a burn/fire based one where they burn it clean, a sexual one with ladies, a blowjob dick clean where they use dick sucking and saliva to clean your dick, one where they use heavy chemicals, one where lemon juice is used, and even an extreme radiation sterilization method they requires you to actually go to the place physically. They also make their own special brand name dick cleaning juice that you can buy that is said to heal and make your dick stronger when used.
I was genuinely surprised at the ridiculous variations of dick cleaning specialization and how open people are about dick cleaning. At this rate the words dick and cleaning have lost all meaning, almost as if my mind has sunk and assimilated with the reality that these people live in. A reality where no one bats an eye when you can say you brought some guys over to your house to clean your dick.
